It is important to understand that infidelity is not always about sex; in many cases sex isn’t involved. There are a variety of reasons infidelity may occur such as cultural( people have seen it growing up and emulate it), power, lack of self esteem, ego, revenge, or your soul continues to search for the “right” one. But what I know to be true is that infidelity actually teaches you about yourself-be it the one who commits or the one who’s on the receiving end of it. I have learned so much from my own marriage and becoming a witness to other Lifelovemarriagedivorce stories. My objective is not to justify or judge infidelity, I prefer to candidly discuss and share lessons that can help, heal, enlighten, and free you from what binds your thoughts.
Infidelity isn’t always about the “other” man/women, nor is it always about your mate-it’s about the infidelity you have allowed within yourself. If we are honest, we can admit to being unfaithful to our heart; we serve others, we sacrifice, we people please, we live up to expectations, we settle for less than we deserve, we allow complacency and comfort to become our place of refuge, and when we are emotionally betrayed -we blame others for our inadequate handling of the things that we have failed to be honest about within. What does this mean if she/he cheated on me- it’s wrong and there should be accountability; but there should also be a desire to understand the why because if we only focus on the external-the repetitive cycle of denial and blame will continue from relationship to relationship. If you dig a ittle deeper-what may have occurred is that a true definition of marriage was never established.
Many couples go to the altar and recite vows without ever giving a true definition of what the vow means. We attend the required marital class in order to solidify the desired date for the church or venue but couples rarely define what marriage actually means to them. They let others define it for them with questions such as …”when are y’all getting married?” Couples then try to emulate the 50 year marriage of their parents or create what their parents didn’t accomplish in marriage. I am product of teenage parents, so I knew that I wanted to be married when I had my kids since I didn’t grow up in a two parent home. However, wanting my kids to be raised in a two parent home was apart of my parental definition; it wasn’t a marital definition. I now realize that I said my vows with assumptions and expectations; not with an actual definition. That may have been an “ahha” moment for many of you.
We have all been hurt by an unfaithful partner in our lifetime but it’s important that you do not become victimized by your thought process. It’s important to understand the reasons you betrayed your voice, your thoughts, & your heart. If infidelity has occurred, we must release the emotional baggage of guilt, shame, and wondering “why or was it me” kind of thinking. Sometimes relationships are just not meant to be; no matter how hard you tried, prayed, begged, invested time…it just wasn’t meant to be! It’s also important to understand that if you grew, learned, and improved in any area of your life there is no such thing as a “failed” relationship.
Many times infidelity creates the blame game. Anger is directed towards the “other woman/man”- this is the easier thing to do as you look through the external lenses instead of your internal lenses. Yes, betrayal hurts but what hurts most is not being honest with yourself. The true culprit of infidelity is a lack of communication, which creates a lack of trust. If you are in relationship & your partner betrays you-it’s not about you, it is about them betraying their heart and being afraid to share how they feel and what they really want. Our heart never lies and we cheat it when we silence it’s truth. I blamed others when my marriage ended because I hadn’t done my work; I didn’t look within. I wasn’t ready to admit that I had been unfaithful to myself. I didn’t properly define my definition of marriage which caused me to betray my heart. But the moment I woke up, I stopped blaming and healed!
Infidelity does one of two things, it keeps you stuck or helps you grow. When both parties are totally honest about their relationship- healing occurs. This means no judgment when your mate shares their truth. Will your feelings get hurt, yes but you can’t continue betraying them or yourself because of thin skin. If someone’s truth hurts you beyond devastation because it’s not what you want to hear; the relationship is about you & what makes you happy. You don’t want resolve, you only want your way. Guilt tripping and yelling until you get your way should never be apart of the definition of marriage. You can’t & shouldn’t ever try to force someone to love you. True love is a choice not a command.
If your mate has chosen to emotionally disengage…there is usually a reason which has nothing to do with you. So stop taking it personally! I know this sounds easier said than done but when you are ready to remove denial, diversion, judgment, and fear from your definition of what went wrong-you will begin to heal. If you are living in an imaged relationship-the one that looks good to the world; it can cause you to be judgemental regarding the relationship of others-when your relationship is equally unhealthy and unhappy. If your true definition of marriage is unconditional love and the honesty that avoids walking on egg shells regarding communication, no matter how much success you obtain or material possessions you own-if you don’t have true love and honest communication your marriage may be one that resembles the definition of a business plan.
If you have been unfaithful to yourself or mate due to your lack of communication…share your truth. If you are afraid to be honest that usually tells you everything you need to know. If you are staying for the kids, that’s co-parenting not marriage. I can admit that one of my primary reasons for remaining in a broken marriage was for the kids. There were many loving moments in my marriage but I realized that my kids weren’t witnessing the true definition of love-they were seeing something else, a false advertisement of marriage.
If you like dating-don’t get married. Enjoy your freedom and don’t ask someone to marry you because that’s what they want. There is a saying that “It’s better to make someone cry with the truth, then smile with a lie.” If you are complacent and choose not to be truthful to your heart, stop complaining to your mate about what he or she isn’t doing as you continue to betray your heart regarding the romance you truly desire. This candor is a gut check; it may even sting a little but those who want truth will gravitate towards these words and those who feel the sting and choose to ignore it will continue to be unfaithful to their heart.
Awakening is a journey and it’s not always easy but if you want truth then you must do the work, stop blaming and verbalize definitions of what you want. Relationships are beautiful. They are a God send with the right person; and contrary to what many people think relationships aren’t hard. What’s hard is remaining in a relationship that lacks honest communication. What’s hard is feeling like you can’t be yourself. What’s hard is painting a picture of the “perfect marriage” when you know it’s broken but the image/brand has become the reason to coexist. If you are beginning a new relationship…share your definition of what a relationship means to you ASAP and ask your partner to do the same. If the definitions aren’t in alignment…move on. If you are currently struggling in a relationship and want to make it work by all means try. Forgive and share your truth but if definitions don’t align with reality-It’s up to you to stop causing infidelity to your heart.
Until The Next Blog,
Blessings & Love!