Have you every loved someone and they didn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved? You put your effort, time, heart and love in the relationship, loving your partner based on their needs and how they desire to be loved only to be denied the love you deserve. I am sure many are nodding in agreement. It’s possible that you are traveling down memory lane, thinking of the person who denied your love or you may be experiencing this kind of unbalanced love relationship, today. There were many days I felt like this during my marriage but what I have come to understand is that I may have unintentionally participated in how I received love from my ex. Many times we choose to please our partners, which is a positive thing but if it causes you to deny what is important to you or disrupts your peace of mind, heart & spirit, and you fail to articulate what’s important and a must in your life…you”ll find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, as you become a participant of what you oppose.
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chatman, explains that our love languages may be different and if your spouse/partner is loving you based on their love needs or what works best for them, your love needs will remain unmet, which will only lead to conflict in the long run. In addition to love languages not being met, communication break downs will dominate the relationship; and if your partner or you wasn’t the best communicator to begin with and no work is being applied to improve the situation, then get ready here comes conflict! This happened in my marriage, unresolved issues resulted in poor communication. I was the communicator in the relationship and he was not; but in order to “avoid conflict” conversations that needed to be addressed immedately were not. This approach allowed his needs and love language to become more of a priority than my own. I soon realized the greatest conflict happening was the conflict within because I wasn’t being authentic to self, which allowed my ex to love me in ways that served his interest, be in unintentionally or intentionally.
In any relationship communication and finding common ground is a must, in addition to understanding the way to love yourself because when there’s self love, it benefits you and the relationship. If you don’t define what love means to self, you allow others to define it for you and that never works out for your best interest. A dear friend of mine contacted me when I was going through my divorce and shared a transformational book, called The Way to Love by Anthony De Mello. Besides the Holy Bible, this book awakened me to the understanding that I wasn’t being authentic to the love I required and deserved. Adapting to what only works for your partner for the sake of “peace” isn’t peace if your heart is hurting and your mind is constantly trying to figure out what makes your spouse/partner happy. We can smile, pretend or act as if everything is okay in our relationships by telling ourselves that things will get better or list all of our blessings to justify poor behavior or failing to address areas of concern but the end result is that when you deny your voice, your needs, your concerns and your love language…you end up hurting yourself and allow others to hurt you in the process.
Do understand that I am not saying your spouse/partner’s behavior, especially if the behavior is less than honorable is your fault. I am not saying that at all…What I am saying is that when you deny your authentic voice, your needs and your concerns…your partner may believe treating you less than you deserve is okay, even if that’s not the intent. You are your best advocate for how you deserve and define love. Therefore, make sure you honor you and love yourself, as well as love and respect the partner who is willing to participate in a reciprocal love relationship. Love is such a beautiful thing and sharing life with someone you truly love and who truly loves you is an absolute blessing. I encourage you to seek and remain open to love, even if a previous relationship didn’t work out. Be true to your authentic heart and you”ll avoid repeating things that you may have unintentionally given permission to in your last relationship. There is someone worthy of the love you have to offer. If you are in a relationship that is worth saving and both parties are committed to repairing the conflict and agree to satisfy love language requirements, by all means make it work. Remember, there is someone who understands your love language, just as you will understand theirs and when you awaken to your authentic self, the way to love and the way you love your partner will be one of the greatest love stories you’ll ever experience.
Until The Next Blog,
Blessings & Love!