The Divorce Journey Begins…

I sit here in the quiet of the night gathering my thoughts because tomorrow is the day that I will file for divorce. There is sadness in my heart and an aching in my stomach because I believe that our marriage could have survived. How could this happen to me? How could this happen to us? I have cried, fasted, prayed, and now I am wondering why God is silent as I endure this pain? Even though God appears to be quiet, I still believe in His ability to save us. Faith just has a way of making you believe even when the situation looks dire but I am asking…”God why are you so silent?”

It is hard to accept but it’s obvious that my husband has moved on with his life. He isn’t fighting for us and our family the way I am?  The pain overwhelms my heart but the truth is that our marriage has been troubled for sometime, but whose marriage hasn’t experience the ups and downs of life?  I believe that broken things can be repaired but it takes two to be apart of the repair process. How long should I fight for someone who isn’t fighting for me? I begin to ask myself…Why did you hold on this long? I guess I believed in false hope. It was the false hope of sitting on the couch and talking after he finished visiting with the kids. It was that false hope of him kissing my forehead before he left the house. Yes, it was those little things that triggered the memory of the man that I deeply loved. However, reality showed its face when he walked out the door. He doesn’t reside here physically, emotionally, or mentally. Reality check, he has lost the will to fight because we have been separated for years.

Again, I ask myself why did you stay so long? There is something about questioning your judgment when it comes to matters of the heart but my greatest need is to not only find an answer to this question; I need to understand, I need clarity. Why was I the only one trying to preserve and protect our family? Why was I the only one concerned about those who were inspired by the story of high school sweethearts who “made it?” I begin to answer my own questions…my nurturing and protective nature stayed so that our kids would be raised in a two-parent home.  I stayed because of the martial covenant I made with God and if I give up does that mean that I don’t believe that God can do all things? This question causes the most turmoil to my soul. How could I encourage others to remain in their relationship/marriage if I give up?  I believed in false hope but now realize that I was only self-inflicting pain trying to hold on. I was protecting “the image” but denying the truth. Tears stream down my face because it’s impossible to sleep. It’s morning and the time has come to stop denying the truth, today my divorce journey begins. The emotions, doubts, and reasons continue to consume my mind and I am still wondering… God why are you so quiet?

Until the next blog,

Blessings & Love!

“My ex and I have become good co-parents and slowly becoming friends. I am forever thankful our union and time together. There will always be a fondness because we can’t erase 30 years even if we tried and our kids will forever bind us. I wish him happiness and success. As I write those words, I realize how far I have come because I can assure you that happiness and success was not on my wish list for him during this process…. But God! What I now realize is that if my God-given assignment with my ex was to meet and mother the four best things that could ever happen to me in this lifetime, no matter the outcome-I hit the jack pot!”